Mother, She Wrote

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Words and phrases that drive Mother, She Wrote crazy, in no particular order of hate level.

1. Hunker Down, Take Cover’s older, more established, college graduate brother.

2. Humdinger. Similar to ‘really good’ only lame.

10. Brunch. Are you breakfast or lunch? Similar to the hatchback, brunch can’t make a decision, or did breakfast and lunch just have a baby?

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Independence vs. Dependence, small changes in the life of Mother, She Wrote. Brought to you by: Singlehood.

1. Car Status

2. Guest Seating

3. Pony Lessons

4. Neighborhood Renewal Volunteers

4. Happy Hour

5. Food Prep

6. Christmas Decorations

7. Holiday Stockings

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A recent explosion in Iran was just a set back on their long-range missile program. Thankfully, they’ll have this up and running again soon, allowing Iran to move forward making weapons to destroy both Israel and the US. The AP was able to gather more information from a closed-door meeting late last week:

Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?

Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky – try to take over the world!

Newt is surging in polls but still facing big challenges independent of his noggin size. Supporters of Romney signed enough signatures allowing him to be on ballets in both Vermont and Alabama–Newt is just beginning the campaign in these states. In a closed captioning interview, Newt stated that “I’m hoping that the size of my head will reach over county lines to force ballet signatures.”

You can now pay 60 thousand dollars for a two-week cruise to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to see the Titanic. The descent is 2.5 hours and currently, 80 people who didn’t see the 1997 *movie are scheduled to go. *Sadly, Rose doesn’t move over on the cruise either.

China has 3.2 trilion dollars in bonds but sadly Beijing will not help the European crisis as this money represents national savings and is not easily distributed. This greed comes as a shock to most world leaders, as China is normally very giving with their censorship of free speech, donation of jail time to activists, and delivering biodiversity of unprecedented proportions since the 7 day creation.

Carbon Dioxide emissions has jumped more than ever recorded. This increase has confirmed a trend making it impossible to stop climate change in the future.

Barnes and Noble knows what you’re up to when you walk around looking at unique book covers to decide which ones to buy online. Looking and not buying is called Show Rooming. Sadly, we will all feel like criminals when we Show Room from this point forward.

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Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner’s water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.

The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT’s for them.

The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt’s hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.

Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.

Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered “to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on.”

PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.

Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world’s tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter’s homes.

The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.

Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.

Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.

Friday’s Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.

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I can be large or small. I’m usually under the radar, but become fussy with too much company, preferring my independence. You can hold me, or sometimes you can’t.

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1. What Three Dog Night meant by “1 being the loneliest number.” Honestly, ”0″ is the loneliest number–it has nothing, what could be more lonely than that?

2. Why Republican’s have names like Newt and Mitt, while Democrats’ are okay with Joe.

3. Why we dress our children like clowns before the age of two and then become confused when they develop Clown Phobia as adults.

5. How to be comfortable in a modern house.

6. Why plates are hung on walls for decoration. We always used these to eat growing up.

7. Jehovah Witness recruitment – If your going to compete with me to get into heaven why do you want me on your team?

8. Dogs without tails.

10. A. Glamour Shots. See photos, these are not your friends. B. The need to caress collars while posing. (No there was no confirmation on the sex of picture 2.)

11. Paying more than $12.99 for a bottle for wine. I only go for the $12.99 bottle to look like I know what I’m doing, but can tell no actual difference above the $6.99 mark.

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Based strictly on the trailer “My Week with Marilyn” starring Michelle Williams should be phenomenal. It’s set in England in 1956 when Marilyn was making “The Prince and the Showgirl.”

Here are a few facts about Marilyn you may not know:

1. She had 12 sets of foster parents.

2. For twenty years after Marilyn died, Joe DiMaggio delivered roses to her grave three times a week. Famous last words, ‘I’ll finally get to see Marilyn.”

3. Marilyn rinsed her face 15 times after each wash.

4. She did not have 11 toes although this is a widely believed rumor.

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I applied for a creative job on Anonymous website. Thankful to get a response, I instantly told Darth that I would Google Chat with him about the position. What follows is a most interesting story. The phrases in the parenthesis are what Mother, She Wrote really thought about the dialogue.

Darth:  Hi Sally

me:  Hi!

(I’m genuinely excited here. Really take a moment and focus on the “!”, I use these sparingly.)

Darth:  Happy Monday

me:  Same to you1

(Since Monday’s aren’t happy, I’m thrown off, as shown by my Freudian type-o. Going for the “!” again, but accidentally swiping the “1″ is a classic mistake.)

Darth:  thanks

Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?

me:  It was okay. How was yours?

(I say this only to appease him, I don’t really care about Darth’s Thanksgiving, I’m more interested in getting my project assignment while Daughter’s not screaming.)

Darth:  quiet and relaxing

BTW I’m waiting to get called into

a meeting, so if I disappear suddenly, that’s why

me:  No worries.

(I say “no worries” here, but really mean, “I don’t have time for your bs Darth. I’ve appeased Daughter and this peace will only last moments. You’re very thoughtful to contact me directly before your lame meeting, and it won’t go unnoticed.”)

Darth:  Was there anything in particular that attracted you to this story project?

me:  I’m doing creative writing now in my blog.

(The one you conveniently didn’t read before you started wasting my time.)

Darth:  excellent

(I envisioned Mr. Burns when he said this. Ignite Heebie Jeebies.)

what is the link to the blog again?

me:  http://www.mothershewrote.com

Darth:  ah yes I remember

nice play on Jessica Fletcher

me:  Thanks!!!

(The “!” marks above are absolutely fake. One, I didn’t come up with this ‘nice play on Jessica Fletcher’ so I’m just showing excitement sprinkled with guilt for the person who did. Two, I never watched Murder, She Wrote.)

Darth: Do you think you could write an entertaining story about a sore-footed woman in high heels? Perhaps a non-profit fundraiser or advertising sales rep? (Yes, I peeked at your CV)

(I would hope that you more than ‘peeked’ at my résumé before you contacted me.)

me:  That would be awesome.

(Notice the “.”, I don’t think this is awesome.)

Darth:  Is that an experience you can relate to?

me:  I think any woman can relate to being miserable in heels

Darth:  b rb

(All women are miserable in high heels, and could write a story focused on swollen feet and blisters by simply remembering a time she wore them against her instinct. Also, what does b rb mean? I desperately tried to figure out the acronym while I waited. I came up with nothing.)

Darth:  hi again

me:  Hi, I guess your meeting called

Darth:  indeed

I should have figured Monday after a long weekend would be busy

(Yawn)

Question for you

(I waited for this one question for six solid minutes. Darth went back offline again and came back on several times and I still waited.)

Darth:  Do you have a character in the back of your mind who you’d like to give life to?

Maybe someone you’ve wanted to write about, but haven’t had an opportunity thus far?

(Go to Google Search, Insert Darth. Opportunity thus far sealed the deal for me. Take a moment and notice the italicized words above if you didn’t catch them before.)

me:  Yes

(Here’s what I found on Darth’s Facebook Page. Icon=an action figure with a glow stick. Male with 28 friends–all female, all probably prey to his little sore feet fetish. About Darth: ‘Nothing is more lovely than a woman in beautiful shoes.’)

Darth:  How would you like to have that character star in this story?

(Crickets)

Darth:  In other words, would it be fun to give life to your character now? As opposed to trying to create a one-dimensional character for me?

(I’m heated and trying to calm down. Wasting my time to have a fantasy about women in high heels is unforgivable.)

me:  Ok just went on your FB page. Is this something you do often?

Pretend to give people work to **** with them? go to a bad place!

(I said exactly what I wanted–even taking out the ‘*’ in the original dialogue and spelling out the bad place.)

Darth:  no

I don’t know where it says that

Over the years I’ve hired a few dozen writers for this project.

(Crickets)

Darth:  Where did you read that I pretend to give people work?

(Blocking this user)

Darth:  That’s absolutely not the case. These stories are very important to me, which is why I’m willing to pay for them.

(Copying and pasting dialogue to blog–the one you never read.)

The following illustration is that I envisioned each time I looked out any window for the rest of the day after I blocked Darth.

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We have a gene in our family that allows us to pit continuously, specifically in stressful situations. The gene has been negative toward us most of our lives, often resulting with family members being labeled as ‘yellow underarm’ or ‘unable to wear a business shirt without pads in place.’ I have started pitting again, most recently due to a high stress environment. Below is are some illustrations of pitting and a simple step to follow to limit its’ embarrassment.

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Special Interest Groups at their finest. A village with 4,000 people in Pennsylvania received leasing offers from Range Resources hoping to use their land for fracking, with the ability to drill thousands of miles under their property, and two miles in any direction. Range Resources offered more money than these people would see in their entire lifetimes, so most accepted. Fracking is not a fraternity hacking system, but a way for natural gas companies to pump vast quantities of water, sand, and chemicals miles into the earth to free gas bubbles from ancient rock. It has brought 23,000 new jobs to the area. Hotels are packed, restaurant’s sales are up, and they even have newly paved roads! Bling, freaking, bling.

Stacey Haney lives in the village as a single mother of two, with more animals than a circus. She signed the lease in 2008. At the local fair in 2010 Stacey ran into a horse trainer, Beth Voyles, who had also signed the lease the same year. Beth’s 1 1/2 year old boxer had just died unexpectedly. Stacy and Beth’s series of unfortunate events follows.

Disclaimer: Range Resources only uses ethylene glycol in the fracking process so I’ve come up with some possible scenarios for what really happened to the ‘victims’ in this story.

1. Both Stacey’s and Beth’s dogs died unexpectedly. Likely story. A copy of “The Pact” was seen floating around both their kennels shortly after their body’s were found.

2. Beth’s boxers began to abort litters and birth babes with legs missing. Babes were born with cleft-pallets–probably seeking donations from the Smile Train–and/or the litter would die all together–once again ‘The Pact’ comes to mind. Family traditions are strong for a reason.

3. Stacey’s faucets began to eat themselves, along with her washing machine, hot water heater and dishwasher–clearly falling prey to Kenmore commercials with feeling of inferiority. When Stacey showered, she received a complementary fragrance from Range Resources called *”Rotten Eggs and Diarrhea”.  Mother, She Wrote still isn’t sure this complaint is valid.

*only available with lease, no other promos apply for this offer

4. Stacey’s son, Harley was playing hooky from school so often that she took him to the doctor, claiming he couldn’t lift his head. The cough-cough, doctor said Harley had high levels of arsenic in his blood. Mother, She Wrote says this is just a clear indication that he took playing hooky to the extreme. Everyone knows a body can only ingest small amounts of arsenic without it being traced.

5. Stacey soon tested positive for arsenic, benzene, and toluene in her blood. Mother, She Wrote says Stacey poisoned herself to one-up her son, thus removing him from his Deceptive Hooky Spotlight. As Unknown said, “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.”

6. Beth developed nose and throat blisters, headaches and nosebleeds, joint aches, rashes, an inability to concentrate, along with a metal taste in her mouth. Really? She probably went on a binge, burned her nose and throat numerous times while trying to lite a cigarette, passed-out in the cold to aggravate her joints therefore falling prey to mosquitoes and scratching relentlessly while inebriated therefore causing rashes. All this coupled with eating a bike is bound to make anyone lose concentration.

Update: Stacey and Beth have both moved away from their land and home. Stacey used her first royalty check of $9,000 in the following ways:

1. $4,500 co-pays and deductibles for doctors’ visits

2. $1,150 for gas to commute from her children to feeding her animals, because her home was no longer a safe haven

3. $2,700 for taxes on the earnings

4. $750 for a down payment on a camper–Stacey’s new home

Legislation Update

1. Who was the Vice President and the former CEO of Halliburton, a Fracking Company in 2005? Dick Cheney, who once tried to shoot our beloved W, spearheaded an amendment that would have required companies like Halliburton to show the chemicals that are being pumped into the ground while fracking–remember, not fraternity slang!

2. Currently, companies in Pennsylvania pay no tax to extract gas. Sweet!

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