Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner’s water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.
The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT’s for them.
The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt’s hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.
Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.
Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered “to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on.”
PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.
Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world’s tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter’s homes.
The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.
Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.
Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.
Friday’s Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.
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1. What Three Dog Night meant by “1 being the loneliest number.” Honestly, ”0″ is the loneliest number–it has nothing, what could be more lonely than that?
2. Why Republican’s have names like Newt and Mitt, while Democrats’ are okay with Joe.
3. Why we dress our children like clowns before the age of two and then become confused when they develop Clown Phobia as adults.
5. How to be comfortable in a modern house.
6. Why plates are hung on walls for decoration. We always used these to eat growing up.
7. Jehovah Witness recruitment – If your going to compete with me to get into heaven why do you want me on your team?
8. Dogs without tails.
10. A. Glamour Shots. See photos, these are not your friends. B. The need to caress collars while posing. (No there was no confirmation on the sex of picture 2.)
11. Paying more than $12.99 for a bottle for wine. I only go for the $12.99 bottle to look like I know what I’m doing, but can tell no actual difference above the $6.99 mark.
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Special Interest Groups at their finest. A village with 4,000 people in Pennsylvania received leasing offers from Range Resources hoping to use their land for fracking, with the ability to drill thousands of miles under their property, and two miles in any direction. Range Resources offered more money than these people would see in their entire lifetimes, so most accepted. Fracking is not a fraternity hacking system, but a way for natural gas companies to pump vast quantities of water, sand, and chemicals miles into the earth to free gas bubbles from ancient rock. It has brought 23,000 new jobs to the area. Hotels are packed, restaurant’s sales are up, and they even have newly paved roads! Bling, freaking, bling.
Stacey Haney lives in the village as a single mother of two, with more animals than a circus. She signed the lease in 2008. At the local fair in 2010 Stacey ran into a horse trainer, Beth Voyles, who had also signed the lease the same year. Beth’s 1 1/2 year old boxer had just died unexpectedly. Stacy and Beth’s series of unfortunate events follows.
Disclaimer: Range Resources only uses ethylene glycol in the fracking process so I’ve come up with some possible scenarios for what really happened to the ‘victims’ in this story.
1. Both Stacey’s and Beth’s dogs died unexpectedly. Likely story. A copy of “The Pact” was seen floating around both their kennels shortly after their body’s were found.
2. Beth’s boxers began to abort litters and birth babes with legs missing. Babes were born with cleft-pallets–probably seeking donations from the Smile Train–and/or the litter would die all together–once again ‘The Pact’ comes to mind. Family traditions are strong for a reason.
3. Stacey’s faucets began to eat themselves, along with her washing machine, hot water heater and dishwasher–clearly falling prey to Kenmore commercials with feeling of inferiority. When Stacey showered, she received a complementary fragrance from Range Resources called *”Rotten Eggs and Diarrhea”. Mother, She Wrote still isn’t sure this complaint is valid.
*only available with lease, no other promos apply for this offer
4. Stacey’s son, Harley was playing hooky from school so often that she took him to the doctor, claiming he couldn’t lift his head. The cough-cough, doctor said Harley had high levels of arsenic in his blood. Mother, She Wrote says this is just a clear indication that he took playing hooky to the extreme. Everyone knows a body can only ingest small amounts of arsenic without it being traced.
5. Stacey soon tested positive for arsenic, benzene, and toluene in her blood. Mother, She Wrote says Stacey poisoned herself to one-up her son, thus removing him from his Deceptive Hooky Spotlight. As Unknown said, “A Freudian slip is when you say one thing and mean your mother.”
6. Beth developed nose and throat blisters, headaches and nosebleeds, joint aches, rashes, an inability to concentrate, along with a metal taste in her mouth. Really? She probably went on a binge, burned her nose and throat numerous times while trying to lite a cigarette, passed-out in the cold to aggravate her joints therefore falling prey to mosquitoes and scratching relentlessly while inebriated therefore causing rashes. All this coupled with eating a bike is bound to make anyone lose concentration.
Update: Stacey and Beth have both moved away from their land and home. Stacey used her first royalty check of $9,000 in the following ways:
1. $4,500 co-pays and deductibles for doctors’ visits
2. $1,150 for gas to commute from her children to feeding her animals, because her home was no longer a safe haven
3. $2,700 for taxes on the earnings
4. $750 for a down payment on a camper–Stacey’s new home
1. Who was the Vice President and the former CEO of Halliburton, a Fracking Company in 2005? Dick Cheney, who once tried to shoot our beloved W, spearheaded an amendment that would have required companies like Halliburton to show the chemicals that are being pumped into the ground while fracking–remember, not fraternity slang!
2. Currently, companies in Pennsylvania pay no tax to extract gas. Sweet!
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Liberty, along with his understudy Peace, was chosen from 30 finalists. We talked to the other 28 fallen soldiers who were not chosen to find out their experiences in the trenches and more importantly their opinions on being losers. Below are the top 3 responses received from various rejected turkeys.
1. If only we were living in Israel, we could have been kosher and not dinner.
2. If only we resembled the Lilac-breasted Roller, we would be on a boat to Kenya and not the chopping block.
3. If only my name was Fannie or Freddie instead of Tom the Turkey, I would be with Liberty and Peace right now.
Egypt’s interim government quits on the third day of protests, just as an ironic disconnect developed between the political elite and the protesters. Thirty-five were reported killed, but Doctors are pressured to remain mum about those killed by live ammunition. NGO’s were relieved when an anonymous gunman stated that “The live ammunition only killed thugs.”
The Super Committee crawled down to protesters begging for forgiveness in a recent fantasy. The panel of 12 couldn’t decide on a plan to cut our government spending by 1.2 trillion over the next 10 years, which means mandatory spending cuts will begin in 2013.
According to a special interest group that snuck into the meeting, below is an illegal recording of some of the blah, blah, blah that happened during the 10 weeks.
Democratic Random: “We need to give everyone a chance so for the first nine weeks let’s allow the Republicans to do all the talking. Even though their inferior, I know they can find a solution if given an opportunity.”
Republican Random: “Let’s do nothing and work through the weekend at the last-minute. Either way it’s not our problem, and in the end we can just blame Democratic Random or the President.”
Since the only qualifications for being on the committee were “We need to do something, somehow, someway, within some time frame,” several protesters have volunteered to help cut spending.”
Pfizer launched a new bumper sticker with the phrase, “American Companies for Americans.” Pfizer recently laid off 1,000 employees and slashed their own research budgets in an unselfish venture to buy back their own stock. This helps Americans in negative three ways 1. Doesn’t reward investors 2. No additional jobs will be created in any way 3. A foundation for future growth is not forseeable.
Romney brings out the big guns in New Hampshire with the first television advertisement of the race. Using an innovative campaign approach, Romney’s ad will be attacking Obama for his economic leadership just as Obama lands in the state to talk about job growth. The ad will feature a large family conservatively dressed on a farm with several wives, 300 children, and one husband.
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Michelle Obama started the rally for her husband at a democratic fund-raising conference Thursday night. The First Lady, who has embraced obesity as her cause, is fired up soon after Congress made more than 30 million children fatter by refusing to cut the sodium in school lunches by 50%. I heart special interest groups.
Head leaders of the Mormon church spent millions on an ad campaign to find out that Americans come up with four adjectives when thinking about Mormons: secretive, sexist, pushy, and anti-gay. Romney’s Campaign Manager advised him to narrow these down, as four adjectives in a description prove overwhelming.
Mother, She Wrote gives this weeks ‘Idiot Award’ to an Egyptian blogger, who blogged nude photos to promote inequality and freedom of speech. Liberals in Egypt have quickly published statements denying connections with her –fearing this will severely hurt their election chances. The Nudes have caused outrage from both rigid and liberal Muslims across the nation. “Freedom,” wrote one detractor, “is not the same as degradation and prostitution.” Freakin Yikes!
Kuwait gets a surprise welcome to the Arab Spring when protesters and law makers stormed parliament demanding the Prime Minister’s resignation. Their efforts were very similar to OWS, proving goalless and disorderly.
As we embrace the two month anniversary of the protest with no goal, 175 protesters across the nation are arrested when they refuse to stop occupying. The popo arrested 20 in NY, but sadly, Mother, She Wrote won’t grant these victims the ‘Shining Star Award’ this week because they failed to shut down the NY stock exchange. Maybe next time?
The International Atomic Energy Agency wants to slap a resolution reprimanding Iran for their secret work on an atomic weapon.
After a closed door meeting leaders decided to use words such as ‘sunshine, rainbow, and unicorn’ in the document as opposed to ‘atomic, weapon, and bomb’ to avoid a tantrum from China and Russia.
Unfortunately, 91 stranded whales died on the shores of New Zealand and Australia this week–no doubt trying to run away from Japan‘s relentless whale hunters.
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Google has a secret lab that even most employees aren’t aware of with engineers and robotics experts working to tackle 100 seemingly impossible ideas including robots that go to work while you stay home. With unemployment so high, OWSers now flock to the ‘Secret Lab’ to picket, demanding Google invent invisible tents instead.
The debate over health care overhaul is focusing on the limits of federal power and whether Congress overstepped its boundaries with this mandate asking questions such as, ”If the Government can require people to purchase health insurance what else?” Possibly chocolate? I wouldn’t fight mandatory purchases of chocolate.
Banks are still corrupt and are secretly raising consumer fees as they try to make up 12 billion dollars of income resulting from laws that prevent them from charging consumers to use debit cards, and limiting overdraft fees. Bank of America will replace lost debit cards for 5 dollars and for 20 dollars you may have it rushed.
Burlusconi stepped down on Saturday after 17 years in office. The former businessman spent his time in office sprinkled with sex scandals and corruptions trials. Most recently he’s been in the news for house parties with various women and a prostitute named Ruby Heartstealer. He’s faced with having sexual relations with a minor and aiding her release from custody when she was arrested for theft. Burlusconi=Honor. Thankfully, his political party is still in power and he owns Italy’s largest private broadcaster.
Congressional Deficit Reduction Committee is looking for an escape hatch after Republicans on the committee soften their stance on tax increases. The Committee has a little more than a week to finish its work deciding how to cut 1.2 trillion over 10 years–automatic cuts start in 2013 if the panel falls short.
Lobbying by pro gun groups has loosened gun laws across the country, leaving states to decide when a felon can get their guns back. Leaving states to decide when a FELON can get their GUNS back.
NBC hired Chelsea Clinton as a full-time special news correspondent, attempting to secure their 5th place primetime position. NBC is on shaky ground. Along with mandatory health care, Congress has recently made it illegal to watch networks that have fallen to 6th place and lobbyists are working around the clock to force lawmakers to seize cable boxes from those who are convicted. This combined with new mandates for continual Jersey Shore reruns for tanning bed abusers, is leaving cable watchers uneasy.
Inspirational story of the day, click here.
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President Obama puts off the seven billion dollar Keystone Oil pipeline decision until after the elections while The White House studies an alternate route through Nebraska. The three-year project designed to carry oil from Canada to Texas, will add to global warming and extend our dependence on fossil fuels while doing extensive environmental damage along the route. Sweet.
Mother, She Wrote gives this week’s Disgrace Award to Calvin Gibbs, a marine who killed three Afghanistans last year for sport. The court sentenced him to life in prison on Thursday but he could be eligible for parole in 10 years. Here is the Times Magazine article from earlier this year.
Perry tried humor to neutralize the fall out of the debate, however embarrassment is turning to alarm as campaign supporters wonder if the incident impacts his ability to challenge Romney. As no political analyst, my opinion is if you can’t remember three programs you’re going to cut in office, you’re probably not the best fit to run a nation.
Is Cain the next candidate? Shockingly, another women is lurking in the alley to accuse Cain of sexual harassment. Like any woman taking a restroom break, Karen Kraussaar doesn’t intend to talk or come forward until the other women come forward with her.
If you want to hear a stomach talk in a Brooklyn accent or heal your inner child, you can do both by visiting the Eat Sleep Play abstract exhibit in New York. Designed to teach health to children in ways vivid and playful, that are both memorable and easy to understand. Did you know orange juice has more calories than soda; sleep deprivation causes cravings for fat and sugar; and it takes 8 to 15 tries to persuade a child to accept a new food, you would if you went to the exhibit.
The Neediest Cases Fund is celebrating its 100th anniversary. Go here to help.
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Penn State fired Paterno and removed its President, Graham B. Spanier on Wednesday night.
Cain is expected to call Governor Perry to thank him for stealing the spotlight in Michigan’s Wednesday night debate. Perry forgot the name of the third federal agency he vows to cut if elected. It would have been better if he feigned sickness and crawled off stage–the moment was akin to hearing your best friend toot for a solid 54 seconds while giving a presentation. According to Sara Taylor Fagen, a Republican strategist who advised Mr. Bush.“It was a political death knell, there’s just no recovering from a moment like that when you’ve had such a bad record of debates.” If you’re easily embarrassed by other people’s mishaps, don’t click the link below.
Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me!!
Thursday’s word of the day is pansophy, which means universal wisdom or knowledge.
This is given by Mother, She Wrote to Jon Jarvis, the top federal parks official at the Grand Canyon, who vows to continue selling water bottles in the Grand Canyon after a meeting with Coca Cola because he needs more information before making a decision. Plastic bottle toxins normally decompose and end up in the ocean, which isn’t a parks officials problems–losing funds from Coca Cola is.
Gift your loved one with a town coat this holiday season. This seasons must have for the man who can’t decide if he wants to wear a sports coat or an overcoat. A town coat is the perfect man capri. If you’re archaic and abstain from online shopping, Walmart will open its doors at 10pm this Thanksgiving, instead of the standard midnight, don’t be the last to get your Man Capri.
Standard Man Capri
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Let’s talk about Michelle Duggar and her offspring. During my one pregnancy, my body convinced me it was actually melatonin factory. I was in bed more than your average house cat. During the end of my gestation I had to rock back and forth to gain enough momentum to roll on my side, and then roll on the floor to freedom from my bed’s embrace. I still do kegels at stop lights to stop the pee that will most definitely haunt me during my daily runs. Not sure my hips ever readjusted. After my introduction to Post Partum, I vowed never to meet her again. My bosom’s had zero volume after I breastfed. Do Michelle’s looked steam pressed? I’m not going to touch on sleep deprivation here–I fear I’ve still not caught up.
The 19 children, whose names all begin with ‘J’ and range in ages from 23 months to 23 years, and are home schooled. All ‘Js’ get quality time with their parents as Mr. Duggar works at home, which allows him to cart the children with him to run errands. Which leads me to believe they must own a school bus.
It is the Duggar’s right to have as many children as they want, after all only 19k people died of hunger today. They continue to reproduce for valid reasons. Mrs. Duggar said ‘they didnt want to stop at an odd number’, which is a more than logical. No one wants to have an odd number in their whole family. I however think the real reason they continue reproducing is to dominate China as the world’s biggest carbon footprint.
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