A recent explosion in Iran was just a set back on their long-range missile program. Thankfully, they’ll have this up and running again soon, allowing Iran to move forward making weapons to destroy both Israel and the US. The AP was able to gather more information from a closed-door meeting late last week:
Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky – try to take over the world!
Newt is surging in polls but still facing big challenges independent of his noggin size. Supporters of Romney signed enough signatures allowing him to be on ballets in both Vermont and Alabama–Newt is just beginning the campaign in these states. In a closed captioning interview, Newt stated that “I’m hoping that the size of my head will reach over county lines to force ballet signatures.”
You can now pay 60 thousand dollars for a two-week cruise to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to see the Titanic. The descent is 2.5 hours and currently, 80 people who didn’t see the 1997 *movie are scheduled to go. *Sadly, Rose doesn’t move over on the cruise either.
China has 3.2 trilion dollars in bonds but sadly Beijing will not help the European crisis as this money represents national savings and is not easily distributed. This greed comes as a shock to most world leaders, as China is normally very giving with their censorship of free speech, donation of jail time to activists, and delivering biodiversity of unprecedented proportions since the 7 day creation.
Carbon Dioxide emissions has jumped more than ever recorded. This increase has confirmed a trend making it impossible to stop climate change in the future.
Barnes and Noble knows what you’re up to when you walk around looking at unique book covers to decide which ones to buy online. Looking and not buying is called Show Rooming. Sadly, we will all feel like criminals when we Show Room from this point forward.
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Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner’s water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.
The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT’s for them.
The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt’s hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.
Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.
Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered “to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on.”
PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.
Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world’s tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter’s homes.
The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.
Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.
Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.
Friday’s Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.
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Republicans aren’t raising enough money, therefore struggling to gain senate seats. Candidates clearly didn’t take direction from Xing Wu Pan, a fundraiser for comptroller John C. Liu in NY. Pan funneled money into Liu’s campaign intending to sidestep campaign donation restrictions. Silly Pan.
Obama rejects the EPA‘s plan to reduce smog. This comes only after the man who fired an automatic rifle at the White House last week was found and taken into custody.
Obama plans to increase our military presence in Australia just after scholars in China granted Russian PM Vladimir Putin with the Confucius Peace Prize for his “iron hand and toughness.” Putin was given Confucius specifically for his invasion of Chechnya in 1999 and his disapproval of the recent NATO bombings in Libya. Other candidates included Bill Gates, and Gyaiancain Norbu. Norbu is the Chinese Government appointed Panchen Lama. The Dali Lama chose Nyima as the original Penchen Lama 16 years ago. Nyima has since mysteriously disappeared, with only silence from the Chinese Government. Mother, She Wrote gives Putin and the Chinese Government the Golden Acorn Award.
Finally, the last Munchkin has departed Munchkin land permanently. Karl Slover passed away at 93. There’s no place like home.
Tomato Paste is a Veggie follow-up. Based on a study at UNC, children get more calories from pizza than any other food. Childhood obesity has also tripled in the last 30 years.
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Google has a secret lab that even most employees aren’t aware of with engineers and robotics experts working to tackle 100 seemingly impossible ideas including robots that go to work while you stay home. With unemployment so high, OWSers now flock to the ‘Secret Lab’ to picket, demanding Google invent invisible tents instead.
The debate over health care overhaul is focusing on the limits of federal power and whether Congress overstepped its boundaries with this mandate asking questions such as, ”If the Government can require people to purchase health insurance what else?” Possibly chocolate? I wouldn’t fight mandatory purchases of chocolate.
Banks are still corrupt and are secretly raising consumer fees as they try to make up 12 billion dollars of income resulting from laws that prevent them from charging consumers to use debit cards, and limiting overdraft fees. Bank of America will replace lost debit cards for 5 dollars and for 20 dollars you may have it rushed.
Burlusconi stepped down on Saturday after 17 years in office. The former businessman spent his time in office sprinkled with sex scandals and corruptions trials. Most recently he’s been in the news for house parties with various women and a prostitute named Ruby Heartstealer. He’s faced with having sexual relations with a minor and aiding her release from custody when she was arrested for theft. Burlusconi=Honor. Thankfully, his political party is still in power and he owns Italy’s largest private broadcaster.
Congressional Deficit Reduction Committee is looking for an escape hatch after Republicans on the committee soften their stance on tax increases. The Committee has a little more than a week to finish its work deciding how to cut 1.2 trillion over 10 years–automatic cuts start in 2013 if the panel falls short.
Lobbying by pro gun groups has loosened gun laws across the country, leaving states to decide when a felon can get their guns back. Leaving states to decide when a FELON can get their GUNS back.
NBC hired Chelsea Clinton as a full-time special news correspondent, attempting to secure their 5th place primetime position. NBC is on shaky ground. Along with mandatory health care, Congress has recently made it illegal to watch networks that have fallen to 6th place and lobbyists are working around the clock to force lawmakers to seize cable boxes from those who are convicted. This combined with new mandates for continual Jersey Shore reruns for tanning bed abusers, is leaving cable watchers uneasy.
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Republican candidate Herman Cain is once again accused of making crude advances. Sharon Bialek, a native of Chicago and the first women to come forward, said Cain made inappropriate advances to her in 1997 when she asked him for help to find a job. I’m working on mastering time management, so for the rest of the week as women continuously come forward my Caucus While You Were Rearing update will be”Cain’s campaign stated the accusations were false. ”
Conrad Robert Murray gets written into the dictionary beside ‘Michael Jackson’s Killer.’ The Jury convicted Murray of involuntary manslaughter when he administered a powerful anesthetic that helped kill the pop star. Murray’s attorney’s painted him as an ‘Angel of Mercy’, who only gave Jackson a small dose on the day he died while the prosecution painted him as a reckless caregiver who gave Jackson medication without proper precautions. Murray faces four years and will be sentenced on November 29.
The nations biggest financial companies have been in violation of the law 51 times since 1996. When they originally got in trouble they whimpered and the SEC slapped their little financial hands. This time, dunce hats for a week.
Wal-Mart benefits from consumer’s wrath toward banks by providing customers with à la cart financial services. This press release was immediately picked up by international news associations when ‘a la cart’ and ‘Wal-Mart’ were spotted in the same news article.
A multi-million dollar project in Britain will take 10 years to build, and fill up an entire room. Unfortunately, it’s not an anti-aging device but a computer built to answer the question ‘Did Charles Babbage conceive of the first programmable computer in the 1830s, a hundred years before its modern form?’ Sadly, I don’t care.
Joe Frazier dies at only 67 years old. Frazier is best known for winning the heavyweight title at Madison Square Garden in 1971 in the ‘Fight of the Century.’ However, most people at the water cooler don’t know that Frazier moved from South Carolina to Philadelphia because he lacked adequate training material. Before the move, he used scraps such as corn cobs, coal briquettes, and his mom’s old clothing to fill his punching bag.
Finally, can you guess which American philanthropist and socialite should have owned this dog? Leave your answer as a comment and I’ll share the secret answer tomorrow.
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Cotton prices are increasing due to water shortages leaving business concerned. Levi’s is so concerned they are now suggesting we wash our jeans in cold water–if at all. We can easily kill these germs by simply freezing them to death. A little cohabitation of your jeans germs and frozen veggies.
The Greek Government has plunged into chaos over the debt crisis. Prime Minister Papandreou no longer has the support of his people, even his own party has asked him to step down, allowing Americans to finally take a deep breath–at least the US Government isn’t alone in its demise.
Bank of America has decided not to charge customers a 5 dollar fee for each use of their debit card. Sadly, this was decided by BoA only after larger banks backed out of this protocol. Way to take initiative BoA. You could have been the first bank to lose all your customers in one day.
A new study shows that even 3 drinks a week increases the risks for breast cancer in women. The good news is that this study produces different results weekly so, just keep consuming.
In Harlem, a little bolt fueled a huge fire. Literally, a single nut on a fuel injector wasn’t tightened and was the culprit of a large fire earlier this year. Small things do make a difference. Yes you should pass this along.
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