A recent explosion in Iran was just a set back on their long-range missile program. Thankfully, they’ll have this up and running again soon, allowing Iran to move forward making weapons to destroy both Israel and the US. The AP was able to gather more information from a closed-door meeting late last week:
Pinky: Gee, Brain, what do you want to do tonight?
Brain: The same thing we do every night, Pinky – try to take over the world!
Newt is surging in polls but still facing big challenges independent of his noggin size. Supporters of Romney signed enough signatures allowing him to be on ballets in both Vermont and Alabama–Newt is just beginning the campaign in these states. In a closed captioning interview, Newt stated that “I’m hoping that the size of my head will reach over county lines to force ballet signatures.”
You can now pay 60 thousand dollars for a two-week cruise to the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean to see the Titanic. The descent is 2.5 hours and currently, 80 people who didn’t see the 1997 *movie are scheduled to go. *Sadly, Rose doesn’t move over on the cruise either.
China has 3.2 trilion dollars in bonds but sadly Beijing will not help the European crisis as this money represents national savings and is not easily distributed. This greed comes as a shock to most world leaders, as China is normally very giving with their censorship of free speech, donation of jail time to activists, and delivering biodiversity of unprecedented proportions since the 7 day creation.
Carbon Dioxide emissions has jumped more than ever recorded. This increase has confirmed a trend making it impossible to stop climate change in the future.
Barnes and Noble knows what you’re up to when you walk around looking at unique book covers to decide which ones to buy online. Looking and not buying is called Show Rooming. Sadly, we will all feel like criminals when we Show Room from this point forward.
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Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner’s water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.
The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT’s for them.
The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt’s hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.
Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.
Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered “to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on.”
PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.
Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world’s tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter’s homes.
The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.
Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.
Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.
Friday’s Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.
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Egypt’s uprisings will never end. Protesters now picket for Mubarak’s legacy sprinkled with general anger, resentment, and feelings that the revolution has been taken from them. The military ruling council promises to speed the transition to civilian rule–elections begin next week with the muslim brotherhood expecting dominance.
A recent closed captioning poll found that Mitt Romney’s Mormon religion will cause problems for his primary. Donald of Pennsylvania, with 14 wives and 300 children, says he “can’t get past Mitt only having one wife.” Donald acted on faith to take on 13 women–additional marriages are lined up every month next year. Donald deals daily with ”thousands of extra hormones, and countless losses to his identity due to so many X’s chromosomes floating around.” He feels any respectable leader should carry this burden as well.
The SEC accused Michael Perry of IndyMac Bancorp of fraud for back-dating books to hide financial problems. Perry testified that someone told him to do it so the SEC is contemplating dropping the charges. Perry went further to say his 3rd grade teacher, “Mrs. Clinton told me to always do as I was told,” and he felt strongly that, even as he matured, he shouldn’t let her down.
ABA American Bar Association has rejected more of Obama’s potential judicial nominees and labeled them as non-qualified. Since all the poor ratings went to women and minority groups, women’s rights groups across the country are volunteering to Kick Ass and Take Names for Turkey Day.
Twenty students on Long Island are now accused of cheating in vain on the SAT as most commercial colleges now allow students to enter with fake high school graduation credentials such as a ’Made by Johnny’ diplomas. Teachers from Dallas, TX who were involved in the recent grade-school scandal are flying to Long Island for an emergency meeting to teach corruption after the holidays.
Merck settled a suit for $950 million for promoting Vioxx–a treatment for rheumatoid arthritis–before the FDA. Vioxx causes heart problems, and sadly Merck didn’t pull it from the market before 25 million people sans health insurance raced to the ER to increase the federal deficit.
West Hollywood bans the selling of fur. One for PETA. Zero for the Indians.
South Korea approves free a trade pact with US. “The legislators were passing a bill which will make ordinary people shed bitter tears,” Kim Sun-dong, a member of the small opposition Korea Democratic Labor Party, told a crowd of supporters on Tuesday night, explaining why he had sprayed tear gas. “So I detonated tear gas so that they too shed tears, even if theirs were fake tears.” (I wish I was funny enough to make up that quote, but sadly I am not, this is authentic.)
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Michelle Obama started the rally for her husband at a democratic fund-raising conference Thursday night. The First Lady, who has embraced obesity as her cause, is fired up soon after Congress made more than 30 million children fatter by refusing to cut the sodium in school lunches by 50%. I heart special interest groups.
Head leaders of the Mormon church spent millions on an ad campaign to find out that Americans come up with four adjectives when thinking about Mormons: secretive, sexist, pushy, and anti-gay. Romney’s Campaign Manager advised him to narrow these down, as four adjectives in a description prove overwhelming.
Mother, She Wrote gives this weeks ‘Idiot Award’ to an Egyptian blogger, who blogged nude photos to promote inequality and freedom of speech. Liberals in Egypt have quickly published statements denying connections with her –fearing this will severely hurt their election chances. The Nudes have caused outrage from both rigid and liberal Muslims across the nation. “Freedom,” wrote one detractor, “is not the same as degradation and prostitution.” Freakin Yikes!
Kuwait gets a surprise welcome to the Arab Spring when protesters and law makers stormed parliament demanding the Prime Minister’s resignation. Their efforts were very similar to OWS, proving goalless and disorderly.
As we embrace the two month anniversary of the protest with no goal, 175 protesters across the nation are arrested when they refuse to stop occupying. The popo arrested 20 in NY, but sadly, Mother, She Wrote won’t grant these victims the ‘Shining Star Award’ this week because they failed to shut down the NY stock exchange. Maybe next time?
The International Atomic Energy Agency wants to slap a resolution reprimanding Iran for their secret work on an atomic weapon.
After a closed door meeting leaders decided to use words such as ‘sunshine, rainbow, and unicorn’ in the document as opposed to ‘atomic, weapon, and bomb’ to avoid a tantrum from China and Russia.
Unfortunately, 91 stranded whales died on the shores of New Zealand and Australia this week–no doubt trying to run away from Japan‘s relentless whale hunters.
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