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Words and phrases that drive Mother, She Wrote crazy, in no particular order of hate level.
1. Hunker Down, Take Cover’s older, more established, college graduate brother.
2. Humdinger. Similar to ‘really good’ only lame.
3. Mustache. These should really be regulated.
4. Phalange. Let’s just go with finger on this one.
5. Scuttlebutt. A Rumor born on a doily.
6. Nibble. Making references to bunnies all day every day.
7. We’re Pregnant, an easy way to confuse children before Sex Ed.
8. Reiterate. Just tell me again, but don’t waste my time on a four syllable word.
9. Pussy Footin Around, I could barely type this one.
10. Brunch. Are you breakfast or lunch? Similar to the hatchback, brunch can’t make a decision, or did breakfast and lunch just have a baby?
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Independence vs. Dependence, small changes in the life of Mother, She Wrote. Brought to you by: Singlehood.
1. Car Status
2. Guest Seating
3. Pony Lessons
4. Neighborhood Renewal Volunteers
4. Happy Hour
5. Food Prep
6. Christmas Decorations
7. Holiday Stockings
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Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner’s water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.
The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT’s for them.
The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt’s hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.
Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.
Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered “to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on.”
PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.
Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world’s tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter’s homes.
The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.
Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.
Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.
Friday’s Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.
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I was pressed for time. My interview was in two hours but naturally I had gotten up four hours ahead of time knowing Daughter would prove impossible on such an important morning. I thought of some of the things I’ve mastered, but can’t put on the resume.
1. Perfected Bladder Holding capabilities. Able to hold bladder until infection, stemming from the desire to embrace Mother, She Wrote respite over pp interruption.
2. Authored Eating Avoidance: A How to Guide to Prevent Faintness Resulting from a Sudden Drop in Blood Sugar. Please see the write-up below featured in Times Book Review.
According to her new book Eating Avoidance by Mother, She Wrote, “simply surviving on fear, which results when one project doesn’t get completed, will nix your bodies natural desire to faint.” She goes on to encourage you to press through feelings of faintness by really honing in on the emotions that will surface when Daughter wakes from night-night land and the to-do list’s last project mocks you.
3. Adopted the Sleep When Dead Mentality.
4. Mastered Ambidextrous Best Practices. More times than not, Mother, She Wrote is a Left Handed Keyboard Pecker as her right is being used as a security blankie.
5. Strengthened Reaction Time. Once opened cabinet and caught a can of soup with her left elbow, imprisoning it to the cabinet door as she continued making soup.
6. Invented Patience. Now owning traffic, Mother, She Wrote catches up on talk radio in preparation for her next adult conversation, allowing multiple cut-offs and even using caution at yellow lights.
7. Translated Gibberish on a daily basis from the same Daughter with multiple languages.
8. Revitalized Creative Concepts. Dominating all art projects within the home. Please see insert in portfolio for Mother, She Wrote vs. Daughter comparison.
9. Executed Rapid Response each morning. Sadly, Daughter can’t be snoozed.
10. Motivated and supervised Potty Time resulting in Poopoo Potty Award of Excellence 2011.
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