Independence vs. Dependence, small changes in the life of Mother, She Wrote. Brought to you by: Singlehood.
1. Car Status
2. Guest Seating
3. Pony Lessons
4. Neighborhood Renewal Volunteers
4. Happy Hour
5. Food Prep
6. Christmas Decorations
7. Holiday Stockings
Land owners have signed millions of leases allowing oil and gas companies to drill. Taking cues from banks, the companies will take no responsibility for the repercussions of their actions, vowing to earn income off land owner’s water contamination, and paying Head Drillers bonuses of unprecedented magnitudes even if it causes astronomical financial backlash for the middle class. See my earlier post on Erin Brockovitch.
The Long Island SAT cheating scandal was common knowledge with cheaters picking up ideas from special interest groups. High schoolers knew if they had the funds they could buy a smart student to take their SAT’s for them.
The first round of primaries will begin in a little more than a month and Republicans are still on the fence about Mitt’s hair. Still no passion for his style, and indecisive about his color, some Republicans are going to the polls unsure about a Left or Right-Part vote.
Afghanistan pardoned a women after throwing her in prison for adultery after she was raped. Of course she is expected to marry the man who raped her as a thank you for being pardoned.
Secretary of State Clinton visits Myanmar and loosens restrictions on financial assistance and upgrades diplomatic relations with talk of trading ambassadors. After accessing his campaign, Herman Cain has volunteered “to travel to the land of milk and honey where I can have access to women all day without getting told on.”
PTSD has become common in 5% of the dogs used to sniff out land mines in Iraq and Afghanistan. Dogs are showing troubling behavior leading researchers to question how canines have better cognitive reasoning about invasive democracy than our government.
Arizona’s crackdown on illegal immigration coincided with a surge of Latinos who are old enough to vote, opening the gate for Obama offices in the area. Herman Cain is now devising a strategy to build the world’s tallest and most deadly electrical fence around voter’s homes.
The latest discovered Tijuana drug tunnel is half a mile long with a motorized sled and energy-saving lightbulbs. Environmental Groups are recruiting Drug Lords to speak at their holiday fundraisers later this month.
Lack of insurance prompts rise of self-abortions in Latino community. A fetus was found in a dumpster in Washington Heights on Tuesday.
Finally agreeing on something, the House votes to end financing for Presidential Campaigns. Voters will no longer have the option to check to give on income taxes.
Friday’s Irony : The Senate becomes divided with Democrats in the 99% corner and Republicans fighting for the week 1%. Republicans are favoring the wealthy over the middle class because they oppose middle class tax cuts.
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I was pressed for time. My interview was in two hours but naturally I had gotten up four hours ahead of time knowing Daughter would prove impossible on such an important morning. I thought of some of the things I’ve mastered, but can’t put on the resume.
1. Perfected Bladder Holding capabilities. Able to hold bladder until infection, stemming from the desire to embrace Mother, She Wrote respite over pp interruption.
2. Authored Eating Avoidance: A How to Guide to Prevent Faintness Resulting from a Sudden Drop in Blood Sugar. Please see the write-up below featured in Times Book Review.
According to her new book Eating Avoidance by Mother, She Wrote, “simply surviving on fear, which results when one project doesn’t get completed, will nix your bodies natural desire to faint.” She goes on to encourage you to press through feelings of faintness by really honing in on the emotions that will surface when Daughter wakes from night-night land and the to-do list’s last project mocks you.
3. Adopted the Sleep When Dead Mentality.
4. Mastered Ambidextrous Best Practices. More times than not, Mother, She Wrote is a Left Handed Keyboard Pecker as her right is being used as a security blankie.
5. Strengthened Reaction Time. Once opened cabinet and caught a can of soup with her left elbow, imprisoning it to the cabinet door as she continued making soup.
6. Invented Patience. Now owning traffic, Mother, She Wrote catches up on talk radio in preparation for her next adult conversation, allowing multiple cut-offs and even using caution at yellow lights.
7. Translated Gibberish on a daily basis from the same Daughter with multiple languages.
8. Revitalized Creative Concepts. Dominating all art projects within the home. Please see insert in portfolio for Mother, She Wrote vs. Daughter comparison.
9. Executed Rapid Response each morning. Sadly, Daughter can’t be snoozed.
10. Motivated and supervised Potty Time resulting in Poopoo Potty Award of Excellence 2011.
I can be large or small. I’m usually under the radar, but become fussy with too much company, preferring my independence. You can hold me, or sometimes you can’t.
1. What Three Dog Night meant by “1 being the loneliest number.” Honestly, ”0″ is the loneliest number–it has nothing, what could be more lonely than that?
2. Why Republican’s have names like Newt and Mitt, while Democrats’ are okay with Joe.
3. Why we dress our children like clowns before the age of two and then become confused when they develop Clown Phobia as adults.
5. How to be comfortable in a modern house.
6. Why plates are hung on walls for decoration. We always used these to eat growing up.
7. Jehovah Witness recruitment – If your going to compete with me to get into heaven why do you want me on your team?
8. Dogs without tails.
10. A. Glamour Shots. See photos, these are not your friends. B. The need to caress collars while posing. (No there was no confirmation on the sex of picture 2.)
11. Paying more than $12.99 for a bottle for wine. I only go for the $12.99 bottle to look like I know what I’m doing, but can tell no actual difference above the $6.99 mark.
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Authorities just took the 8 year boy, “Nameless,” out of his mother’s home and placed him in foster care for weighing 218 lbs. According to the Department of Children and Family Services, Nameless was placed in foster care for medical neglect. They worked with the mother for more than a year about his weight problem. Nameless suffers from sleep apnea, but doesn’t suffer from childhood diabetes or high blood pressure. Nameless participates in school activities and he’s on the honor roll.
Over the past 10 years type 2 diabetes in children has increased by 150 percent. Nameless should have weighed around 52 lbs. Sadly, 20% of children ages 6-11 are obese, and 30 to 40% will develop diabetes. These same children are also at risk for heart disease, high blood pressure and cholesterol, along with depression.
Overeating is a form of malnutrition. It’s very easy to blame parents but we should also focus on what our children are eating at school. If our children were under nourished at school, our reaction to the school lunch program would be much different. Singapore increased nutrition in its school lunch programs and physical activity for children and teachers and reduced obesity by almost 30–50%. Why can’t we? Most recently we were blocked by Special Interest Groups. Here’s an earlier post as a recap.
Based strictly on the trailer “My Week with Marilyn” starring Michelle Williams should be phenomenal. It’s set in England in 1956 when Marilyn was making “The Prince and the Showgirl.”
Here are a few facts about Marilyn you may not know:
1. She had 12 sets of foster parents.
2. For twenty years after Marilyn died, Joe DiMaggio delivered roses to her grave three times a week. Famous last words, ‘I’ll finally get to see Marilyn.”
3. Marilyn rinsed her face 15 times after each wash.
4. She did not have 11 toes although this is a widely believed rumor.
I applied for a creative job on Anonymous website. Thankful to get a response, I instantly told Darth that I would Google Chat with him about the position. What follows is a most interesting story. The phrases in the parenthesis are what Mother, She Wrote really thought about the dialogue.
Darth: Hi Sally
(I’m genuinely excited here. Really take a moment and focus on the “!”, I use these sparingly.)
Darth: Happy Monday
me: Same to you1
(Since Monday’s aren’t happy, I’m thrown off, as shown by my Freudian type-o. Going for the “!” again, but accidentally swiping the “1″ is a classic mistake.)
Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?
me: It was okay. How was yours?
(I say this only to appease him, I don’t really care about Darth’s Thanksgiving, I’m more interested in getting my project assignment while Daughter’s not screaming.)
Darth: quiet and relaxing
BTW I’m waiting to get called into
a meeting, so if I disappear suddenly, that’s why
me: No worries.
(I say “no worries” here, but really mean, “I don’t have time for your bs Darth. I’ve appeased Daughter and this peace will only last moments. You’re very thoughtful to contact me directly before your lame meeting, and it won’t go unnoticed.”)
Darth: Was there anything in particular that attracted you to this story project?
me: I’m doing creative writing now in my blog.
(The one you conveniently didn’t read before you started wasting my time.)
(I envisioned Mr. Burns when he said this. Ignite Heebie Jeebies.)
what is the link to the blog again?
Darth: ah yes I remember
nice play on Jessica Fletcher
(The “!” marks above are absolutely fake. One, I didn’t come up with this ‘nice play on Jessica Fletcher’ so I’m just showing excitement sprinkled with guilt for the person who did. Two, I never watched Murder, She Wrote.)
Darth: Do you think you could write an entertaining story about a sore-footed woman in high heels? Perhaps a non-profit fundraiser or advertising sales rep? (Yes, I peeked at your CV)
(I would hope that you more than ‘peeked’ at my résumé before you contacted me.)
me: That would be awesome.
(Notice the “.”, I don’t think this is awesome.)
Darth: Is that an experience you can relate to?
me: I think any woman can relate to being miserable in heels
Darth: b rb
(All women are miserable in high heels, and could write a story focused on swollen feet and blisters by simply remembering a time she wore them against her instinct. Also, what does b rb mean? I desperately tried to figure out the acronym while I waited. I came up with nothing.)
Darth: hi again
me: Hi, I guess your meeting called
I should have figured Monday after a long weekend would be busy
Question for you
(I waited for this one question for six solid minutes. Darth went back offline again and came back on several times and I still waited.)
Darth: Do you have a character in the back of your mind who you’d like to give life to?
Maybe someone you’ve wanted to write about, but haven’t had an opportunity thus far?
(Go to Google Search, Insert Darth. Opportunity thus far sealed the deal for me. Take a moment and notice the italicized words above if you didn’t catch them before.)
(Here’s what I found on Darth’s Facebook Page. Icon=an action figure with a glow stick. Male with 28 friends–all female, all probably prey to his little sore feet fetish. About Darth: ‘Nothing is more lovely than a woman in beautiful shoes.’)
Darth: How would you like to have that character star in this story?
Darth: In other words, would it be fun to give life to your character now? As opposed to trying to create a one-dimensional character for me?
(I’m heated and trying to calm down. Wasting my time to have a fantasy about women in high heels is unforgivable.)
me: Ok just went on your FB page. Is this something you do often?
Pretend to give people work to **** with them? go to a bad place!
(I said exactly what I wanted–even taking out the ‘*’ in the original dialogue and spelling out the bad place.)
I don’t know where it says that
Over the years I’ve hired a few dozen writers for this project.
Darth: Where did you read that I pretend to give people work?
(Blocking this user)
Darth: That’s absolutely not the case. These stories are very important to me, which is why I’m willing to pay for them.
(Copying and pasting dialogue to blog–the one you never read.)
The following illustration is that I envisioned each time I looked out any window for the rest of the day after I blocked Darth.
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